No more!

No more children dying! I don't think I can take it! No one should have to bury a child. My heart aches for my child and all the other parents who are without theirs! I was feeling so happy for so long, I didn't think I would ever feel sad. I was playing "super woman" for a while. It was like I was numb and could look at and talk about anyone else's death without feeling anything.

This morning I woke up to finish my assignment for class, (studying for an associates degree), and I always take a look at the website to see if there are any new visitors. I just happened to make some changes to my webrings and I started surfing other people's sites. I couldn't even look at the pictures! My stomach began to hurt and suddenly, I couldn't stop the tears! All these people must be hurting so bad! One of the sites was dedicated to a 20 year old man and his wife who had just recently married. I can't imagine how this mother felt! I used to be so intrigued by each individual story and today, I can't even look at the pictures.

Today, I am hurting. Today, I am just plain sad.

Sorrow turned to joy!

I would have never imagined a year ago that I would be able to mention Dominique's name with a smile! I can talk about her with joy and excitement! It used to be so painful to think about, but I can truly say that my sorrow has been turned to joy. I'm sure there are days ahead of me that I will shed a tear, but it won't be as painful as before. For all of you who are going through the beginning stages of grief, I can honestly say that, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning". (Psalm 30:5)

I can remember feeling so much hurt and pain. I would cry out to God, why! What did I do to deserve this! Why are you punishing me! Even though these questions sound cruel, I had to tell Him exactly how I felt. If I hadn't said it, He already knew my heart. After thinking a little more my questions changed. Why not me? Am I above anyone else that has to go through trials and tribulations? Don't be afraid to talk to God! He'll be the best friend you've ever confided in! Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares! Believe it or not, He understands your pain! He watched His child die on the cross!

I also want to encourage you all to trust in Him! He knows what's best for you and what it's going to take to mold you into the person He wants you to be. He's working it out for you! Know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. (Romans 5:3-5) I could only see what was right there in front of me! I only knew how I felt at that moment, but thank God, He sees way down the road! He could see all the blessings that are yet in store for me! Know that He has a plan for you; "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11)

For those of you who are already followers of Christ, continue to trust Him; "He will never leave you nor forsake you". (Deuteronomy 31:6) For those of you who have not yet decided to become a follower of Christ; "taste and see that the Lord is good"! (Psalm 34:8)

Overcoming obstacles.

The day finally came! My nephew Jagger was born yesterday! Dominique and Jagger's birthdays are two days apart! I've had such a hard time dealing with the pregnancy that I dreaded this day. I'm so glad it turned out to be a joyous occassion.

It's really strange how I found out about it. I had a dream that she, (my SIL), was pregnant, but the kicker was the reaction I had in my dream. I was so angry at her. I remember feeling so much hate and bitterness. In this particular dream, whenever someone would mention her pregnancy I would scarl! I couldn't believe I would dream something like this! I couldn't wait to call her and tell her about my dream, so I did! Yes, you guessed it! She really was pregnant and yes I really did feel that way! I was shocked that I felt that way. "Christian" women don't act this way! :-)

The days and months after hearing the news were difficult. My husband and his brother are very close so naturally my husband was very excited about this baby! My feelings of resentment didn't exactly help the situation. My husband would come home and try and share something about their pregnancy and I would immediately stop him! I couldn't stand to hear it and he couldn't understand why! For those of you who know, trying to rationalize your actions while you are grieving is not very easy to do. At first I really didn't know why this pregnancy made me act the way I did. He was demanding answers and I couldn't tell him why! I would then become angry at him for asking!

Next came the ultimate blow! They asked to borrow the breast pump! "How could they even ask something like that?" I thought. So many memories were attached to that pump and I didn't realize it until I thought about parting with it! I can remember how much I complained about pumping so frequently. I often referred to myself as "Bessie the cow". I can also remember that feeding her my breastmilk was the only sure thing I could do to help my baby. I didn't know anything about the medicine, or treatments she would receive, but I knew MY breastmilk was best! You feel so helpless when your child is so sick and you can't really hold her and comfort her as a mother should. Anything you can do is something big! Consequently, after a spat with my husband and much contemplating, I decided to part with it. Not because I felt I had to, or because my husband wanted me to, but because I knew that it was what God required of me. I don't regret it, and I'm actually glad that I could help.

I realized recently that Satan was trying to destroy me. He couldn't stand the fact that God's Tiny Angels Support Group was started and it was actually helping people. I was turning my sorrow into joy and he didn't like that! He wanted me to resent my husband and my SIL. I was turning so bitter until I recognized the enemy for who he was and what he was trying to do! I prayed that God would change my heart and forgive me for feeling the way I did. I know that He understands me and was waiting for me to ask for help.

I was able to walk into that hospital room free of hatred, anger, bitterness, resentment, and whatever else I felt in the past. I give all praise and thanks to God! I am a witness that He can change your heart. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I'm sure my husband was relieved.

I'll never be the same as I was before, but I know I am definitely growing in Christ because of this experience and I am truly a better person.

Dominique Day!

I finally had a Dominique day! One of the best days of my life! I was so worried that no one would remember and that I'd spend most of the day being sad, but it was just the opposite. The members of God's Tiny Angels Support Group gave me a special presentation in honor of Dominique right in the middle of our church service! What a wonderful feeling to have someone remember her without having to say it. It was said throughout the entire congregation that it was Dominique's birthday! Everyone was told so I didn't have to remind them. That morning I told myself that I wouldn't be mad at anyone and I expected them not to remember. I reassured myself that it was ok. I had a feeling that Satan would try and sabotage the day so I prepared myself.

I planned a birthday party for her that evening, (once again I was on the alert). I created a slideshow of pictures and had, what I thought, the perfect song to accompany it. Everyone loved it! My mother then read some poems, (I wasn't going to even try and read them), and then those who wanted to gave remarks. I was amazed at how many people were touched by Dominique's life story and in awe because they were talking about HER! There were a lot of tears shed, and I believe a lot of other people began to heal as well.

After the remarks, we sang Happy Birthday and released balloons! We watched them for a bit and returned to the party where we ate cake and ice cream. I was on cloud 9 the entire day! People kept asking me questions about her and looking at all the things I had kept from her stay in the NICU. The day that I was able to talk about her without interruptions and to people who really wanted to know her finally came!

To all the mom's who are contemplating what to do for your child on their birthday, I didn't regret this party one bit! Not all of my family and friends were there and although I wondered why, the people that cared enough to come out are the ones that needed to be there anyway! Don't let what other people think keep you from doing what's in your heart!

Learning to ease up!

I have to learn to ease up. It really bothered me when people would make, what I thought, were insensitive comments. I couldn't understand why they would say some of the things they would, but I realized that I am just so sensitive right now, that even the most innocent comments can seem cruel and harsh. I really do scrutinize every comment everyone makes. People don't stand a chance! I found that the only people that say the "right" things are those who are experiencing a similar type of grief.

I am planning a birthday/memorial celebration for Dominique this weekend. I started not to go throught with it because of the responses I received when I asked people to come. I am thankful that a good friend was looking ahead and encouraged me to go with my heart. I probably would have spent the day feeling sad and angry if I hadn't decided to do it. (Thanks M.W.!)

Anyway, my husband asked a harmless question and I caught myself getting ready to lash out at him and get angry. He made a statement that he would probably have to miss his basketball game after rechecking the time of the party vs. the game. At first I was angry that he would even think of doing something else on Dominique's birthday, but I had to realize, he doesn't feel the same way I do. I'm sure he loves his daughter dearly, but is not as emotionally attached as I am. This gathering is for me and my healing, not his. Dominique knows we love her whether we have the party or not.

Grieving can really take a toll on your marriage. I found myself getting angry at my spouse and resenting him for all kinds of things. I found that I've been angry at a lot of people! Satan has really tried to destroy me and my marriage, but I know that what satan meant for evil, God meant it unto good (Genesis 50:20). I'm taking back my marriage and all the joy satan thought he had.

I know that God has a plan for me and my life. I know that He knows best. Who can argue with that? I can do all things through Christ, who is my strength! (Philippians 4:13)

I realize now that all these people want to help me. They are not intentionally trying to hurt me! I know now that the only person who can give me exactly what I need is God! From now on, my goal is to ease up a bit and seek God when I am in need.

I almost lost it!

Today I almost lost it. A friend of mine from church had her grandaughter's funeral today. As part of God's Tiny Angels, (the support group I started), I volunteered to assist in making the arrangements. She was a preemie like Dominique and it reminded me of my experience. I was determined not to let anyone else pay as much as I did if I could help it. I called around to find out which funeral home and cemetery offered the best price and service. I even went with the family to the funeral home. I was so pleased that I was able to help in such a big way! It gave purpose to my new ministry.

I agreed to design and print the programs myself, so that they could avoid any excess charges. All this time I was amazed at how it was not affecting me! (So I thought.) I volunteered to sing and because I am the church secretary, I was already going to read any poems along with the obituary. Again, I was thinking, "How great!"

I could barely get through the song, which was "Jesus Loves Me". It was the same song that was sung at my daughter's funeral. By the time I started reading the poems and obituary I couldn't even talk! I'm standing there in front of all her guests crying! I kept telling myself, "Get it together!" My mother and pastor both stood by ready to jump in if I couldn't finish. I assured them that I could and continued. Thank God I could read in between my sobs! I wasn't really embarassed that I started crying, but I wondered if anyone but me noticed that I desperately needed a tissue! (I won't go into detail, but you get the idea.)

I guess I learned that you never really know when grief will strike. My daughter's first anniversary is on Sunday and I'm ok for now. I wonder what's in store for the rest of the week.