I almost lost it!

Today I almost lost it. A friend of mine from church had her grandaughter's funeral today. As part of God's Tiny Angels, (the support group I started), I volunteered to assist in making the arrangements. She was a preemie like Dominique and it reminded me of my experience. I was determined not to let anyone else pay as much as I did if I could help it. I called around to find out which funeral home and cemetery offered the best price and service. I even went with the family to the funeral home. I was so pleased that I was able to help in such a big way! It gave purpose to my new ministry.

I agreed to design and print the programs myself, so that they could avoid any excess charges. All this time I was amazed at how it was not affecting me! (So I thought.) I volunteered to sing and because I am the church secretary, I was already going to read any poems along with the obituary. Again, I was thinking, "How great!"

I could barely get through the song, which was "Jesus Loves Me". It was the same song that was sung at my daughter's funeral. By the time I started reading the poems and obituary I couldn't even talk! I'm standing there in front of all her guests crying! I kept telling myself, "Get it together!" My mother and pastor both stood by ready to jump in if I couldn't finish. I assured them that I could and continued. Thank God I could read in between my sobs! I wasn't really embarassed that I started crying, but I wondered if anyone but me noticed that I desperately needed a tissue! (I won't go into detail, but you get the idea.)

I guess I learned that you never really know when grief will strike. My daughter's first anniversary is on Sunday and I'm ok for now. I wonder what's in store for the rest of the week.