Overcoming obstacles.
The day finally came! My nephew Jagger was born yesterday! Dominique and Jagger's birthdays are two days apart! I've had such a hard time dealing with the pregnancy that I dreaded this day. I'm so glad it turned out to be a joyous occassion.
It's really strange how I found out about it. I had a dream that she, (my SIL), was pregnant, but the kicker was the reaction I had in my dream. I was so angry at her. I remember feeling so much hate and bitterness. In this particular dream, whenever someone would mention her pregnancy I would scarl! I couldn't believe I would dream something like this! I couldn't wait to call her and tell her about my dream, so I did! Yes, you guessed it! She really was pregnant and yes I really did feel that way! I was shocked that I felt that way. "Christian" women don't act this way! :-)
The days and months after hearing the news were difficult. My husband and his brother are very close so naturally my husband was very excited about this baby! My feelings of resentment didn't exactly help the situation. My husband would come home and try and share something about their pregnancy and I would immediately stop him! I couldn't stand to hear it and he couldn't understand why! For those of you who know, trying to rationalize your actions while you are grieving is not very easy to do. At first I really didn't know why this pregnancy made me act the way I did. He was demanding answers and I couldn't tell him why! I would then become angry at him for asking!
Next came the ultimate blow! They asked to borrow the breast pump! "How could they even ask something like that?" I thought. So many memories were attached to that pump and I didn't realize it until I thought about parting with it! I can remember how much I complained about pumping so frequently. I often referred to myself as "Bessie the cow". I can also remember that feeding her my breastmilk was the only sure thing I could do to help my baby. I didn't know anything about the medicine, or treatments she would receive, but I knew MY breastmilk was best! You feel so helpless when your child is so sick and you can't really hold her and comfort her as a mother should. Anything you can do is something big! Consequently, after a spat with my husband and much contemplating, I decided to part with it. Not because I felt I had to, or because my husband wanted me to, but because I knew that it was what God required of me. I don't regret it, and I'm actually glad that I could help.
I realized recently that Satan was trying to destroy me. He couldn't stand the fact that God's Tiny Angels Support Group was started and it was actually helping people. I was turning my sorrow into joy and he didn't like that! He wanted me to resent my husband and my SIL. I was turning so bitter until I recognized the enemy for who he was and what he was trying to do! I prayed that God would change my heart and forgive me for feeling the way I did. I know that He understands me and was waiting for me to ask for help.
I was able to walk into that hospital room free of hatred, anger, bitterness, resentment, and whatever else I felt in the past. I give all praise and thanks to God! I am a witness that He can change your heart. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I'm sure my husband was relieved.
I'll never be the same as I was before, but I know I am definitely growing in Christ because of this experience and I am truly a better person.
It's really strange how I found out about it. I had a dream that she, (my SIL), was pregnant, but the kicker was the reaction I had in my dream. I was so angry at her. I remember feeling so much hate and bitterness. In this particular dream, whenever someone would mention her pregnancy I would scarl! I couldn't believe I would dream something like this! I couldn't wait to call her and tell her about my dream, so I did! Yes, you guessed it! She really was pregnant and yes I really did feel that way! I was shocked that I felt that way. "Christian" women don't act this way! :-)
The days and months after hearing the news were difficult. My husband and his brother are very close so naturally my husband was very excited about this baby! My feelings of resentment didn't exactly help the situation. My husband would come home and try and share something about their pregnancy and I would immediately stop him! I couldn't stand to hear it and he couldn't understand why! For those of you who know, trying to rationalize your actions while you are grieving is not very easy to do. At first I really didn't know why this pregnancy made me act the way I did. He was demanding answers and I couldn't tell him why! I would then become angry at him for asking!
Next came the ultimate blow! They asked to borrow the breast pump! "How could they even ask something like that?" I thought. So many memories were attached to that pump and I didn't realize it until I thought about parting with it! I can remember how much I complained about pumping so frequently. I often referred to myself as "Bessie the cow". I can also remember that feeding her my breastmilk was the only sure thing I could do to help my baby. I didn't know anything about the medicine, or treatments she would receive, but I knew MY breastmilk was best! You feel so helpless when your child is so sick and you can't really hold her and comfort her as a mother should. Anything you can do is something big! Consequently, after a spat with my husband and much contemplating, I decided to part with it. Not because I felt I had to, or because my husband wanted me to, but because I knew that it was what God required of me. I don't regret it, and I'm actually glad that I could help.
I realized recently that Satan was trying to destroy me. He couldn't stand the fact that God's Tiny Angels Support Group was started and it was actually helping people. I was turning my sorrow into joy and he didn't like that! He wanted me to resent my husband and my SIL. I was turning so bitter until I recognized the enemy for who he was and what he was trying to do! I prayed that God would change my heart and forgive me for feeling the way I did. I know that He understands me and was waiting for me to ask for help.
I was able to walk into that hospital room free of hatred, anger, bitterness, resentment, and whatever else I felt in the past. I give all praise and thanks to God! I am a witness that He can change your heart. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I'm sure my husband was relieved.
I'll never be the same as I was before, but I know I am definitely growing in Christ because of this experience and I am truly a better person.
posted by Tiffany @ 6:29 PM
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