My Journal

Recurring Dream

2006-03-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

I always have the same dream that I've had this baby for years just laying somewhere in a crib and then out of nowhere I decide to go and get her out. It gives me the most awful feeling. The baby is obviously my daughter Dominique, but I can't figure out why it seems we all forget about her and then one day decided to get her out of her crib. She never cries or makes noise, she just looks at me. I have this dream quite often.

I always felt like I didn't do enough when she was in the hospital. I could barely get there to see her. My husband was always at work and I usually had my other two children. My family was either at work or I had asked them to babysit so much that I felt guilty for asking. I tried to go in the morning but my son was only in headstart for half a day and by the time that I arrived at the hospital, parked and got up to the NICU, it was almost time to be home to get him off the bus. When I did take them to the NICU, they weren't permitted in because it was flu season and because they were so young. So I would have to leave them in the lobby while I visited her. I couldn't really focus on my visit because I was so worried about my other two in the lobby. Anything could have happened to them. As a result, I usually had to cut my visits short. Sometimes my husband would come with me but I always felt rushed with him. At times I felt relieved that I didn't have to go because it was so stressful.

I couldn't wait for the day that I could just go in and pick her up. I didn't even feel like her mother sometimes! I didn't make any of the decisions, it was like she belonged to the nurses and doctors of the NICU. I just visited some times.

I'm realizing that I am still angry about this. I'm angry at my husband for not being home more and I'm angry at my family for not helping! Everyone kept telling me to make sure you spend time with your other children! What about my daughter! At times, I was even angry at my children for demanding so much even though I knew it wasn't fair to them.

Giving Thanks

2005-11-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving and I realized that it is time for me to stop complaining and give thanks. I feel much better than I did yesterday. (I did do a little shopping:-) I was looking back at some old family pictures I had in the basement. Some of them revealed happy memories, but some of them were quite painful but relieving in a way. There were pictures that reminded me of things I used to do and the way I used to think. I am so glad that God has brought me through all of that! I was a poor, lonely, single mom living in a subsidized apartment with little to no income. Thank God, I was able to purchase a home, marry a God-fearing, loving husband who's will is to do God's will and provide for his family. I am truly blessed!

I found some scriptures that have also helped me. They are as follows:

Hebrews 13:5, Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, not will I ever forsake you".

Philippians 4:12, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I Corinthians 7:17, Only as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk, and so I direct in all the churches.

Colossians 3:23, Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men.

Discouraged

2005-11-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

I feel so discouraged today. Nothing seems to be going my way! Home, school, and work all seem to be going downhill! We don't have the money to make our bills current or pay the ones that we are incurring right now! Bill collectors call twenty times a day! Yet, in all of this, all I can think about is having a baby. I have received low grades on my last tests in three classes! My work is getting more frustrating and the desire to begin a new and exciting career is constantly pulling at me. I feel so down!

I want to go shop so bad! That is usually what I like to do when I am feeling down! Something about finding a new outfit makes me happy! Of course, we have no money so it would not be smart to do that!

I wish that someone would call me with a job offer, just to let me know that I am being considered! I have sent resumes to a million people applying for jobs I know I can do and still nothing! What is it???? Am I not skilled enough, don't have the right credentials, what!!!

I remind myself of a scripture that says no matter what state or circumstance you are in, be content. So today, that is my goal.

Baby Blues

2005-11-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Here I am again feeling sad because I am not pregnant. I guess it didn't help that I was watching a birthing show on Discovery Health. It's nice to see what I will experience some day. My husband tried to comfort me by saying that he knows we will have one some day and that everything will be alright. As innocent as that may have been, I am so sick of hearing it! I know that he was only trying to comfort me but I'm becoming so angry and bitter again.

I tried to read a prayer taken from the book called Hannah's Hope, but I couldn't. All the remedys require that I take my mind off of it and focus on something else. How do I do that when babies are all around me? Couples are able to conceive at the drop of a dime, and it takes us years!

At the same time, I want what God has for me. I don't want to ruin what he has planned. I remind myself that in Jeremiah 29:11 He says that He has a plan for me. Plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future. I know He does not plan to harm me. I also know that He feels my pain and understands. I remind myself that this is why we have God's Tiny Angels Support Group.

At times, I wonder if it is a part of His plan to have me suffer for the sake of the group? Maybe I wouldn't be as effective if I were to have a child. But then I think, it is not about me. It is all about Him!

Lord, please hear my cry and give me peace!

Angry & Hurt!

2005-07-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I've felt like journaling. I had a few days where I could have, but I never got around to it, but today, I want to burst! I am so angry! I want so bad to have another child! Each month when my period comes is another battle with depression, rage, and hurt. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Everywhere I turn there is a couple that is expecting or pushing their baby through the park in a stroller! I want to scream.

I even resorted to taking birth control pills for a month because I didn't want to hurt anymore! I felt that if I knew I couldn't get pregnant, I wouldn't be so upset when my cycle came. I didn't feel as bad, but it still hurt. I was supposed to continue with the second pack and I started forgetting to take them. I wasn't really thinking about getting pregnant at the time, and I was focused on getting through school. Of course, I realized how many pills I had missed right around the time I was ovulating and realized that my husband and I had intercourse on the day in which we could conceive. I couldn't help but get excited and think that this was it!

I started feeling really tired yesterday(almost 2 weeks after ovulation), and even took a nap, which I never feel the need for! Three people made mention of me looking "full", or bloated and I knew for sure that we were pregnant! I woke up this morning feeling tired again and even though my cycle wasn't supposed to start (I thought), until Thursday, I was dying to take a pregnancy test! So after my first class, I ran to the store and took a test. I'm sure you already know it was negative or else I wouldn't be so sad and angry!

During my next class I started thinking about it and by the end of the class I was trying hard not to lose it. After leaving class, I had to use the bathroom. I guess I was in denial because I thought mabye I had performed the test too soon and that I should repeat the test in a few days! Frequent urination is a symptom of pregnancy, right! I had just gone about 2 hours ago, when I normally only have to go once while I'm at school. To my surprise, not only was I wrong, but I had started my period.

I feel like screaming and tearing my house apart! I don't even feel like going to school, or talking to anyone! I would prefer to just crawl in a hole for the next week! WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME????????????????????

Holding it in!

2005-02-28T11:00:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I felt the need to journal. I had been feeling really good since Dominique's birthday party. Although I had a few short moments, I was generally ok. For the last couple of days I have just been down. We were in church and a close friend of mine was telling me about a bad accident her daughter was in over the weekend. She went on to say how true it is that our children are given to us only for a season, and that she realized how important it was to cherish every moment. Of course I started crying. I couldn't help but think of Dominique and how I wished she was still here.

I was shopping with my mom yesterday and we turned to go down the street on which my daughter was buried. I had to fight back the tears, trying not to spoil anyone else's day. Fortunately, I was able to keep it together by quickly focusing on something else.

Later that evening my children had to sing at another church in the area. When we got there, we quickly spotted some members of our church and went to sit by them. Little did I know that there was a precious little girl sitting in front of us. She looked to be a few months under the age that Dominique would be now (almost 14 mths). Again, I had to hold back the tears trying not to ruin the evening.

I spent the entire day holding my emotions in and trying to keep it together. I know that I'm bound to explode soon! I think of all the advice I give to other grieving families and how to cry and let it out. I realize that it is easier said than done. I would rather hold it in than hear some of the comments that people will make. I don't want to explain what's wrong to a million people and I don't want to create a scene. Maybe I'll find some quiet time today to talk to Dominique and tell her how I feel.

No more!

2005-01-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

No more children dying! I don't think I can take it! No one should have to bury a child. My heart aches for my child and all the other parents who are without theirs! I was feeling so happy for so long, I didn't think I would ever feel sad. I was playing "super woman" for a while. It was like I was numb and could look at and talk about anyone else's death without feeling anything.

This morning I woke up to finish my assignment for class, (studying for an associates degree), and I always take a look at the website to see if there are any new visitors. I just happened to make some changes to my webrings and I started surfing other people's sites. I couldn't even look at the pictures! My stomach began to hurt and suddenly, I couldn't stop the tears! All these people must be hurting so bad! One of the sites was dedicated to a 20 year old man and his wife who had just recently married. I can't imagine how this mother felt! I used to be so intrigued by each individual story and today, I can't even look at the pictures.

Today, I am hurting. Today, I am just plain sad.

Sorrow turned to joy!

2005-01-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

I would have never imagined a year ago that I would be able to mention Dominique's name with a smile! I can talk about her with joy and excitement! It used to be so painful to think about, but I can truly say that my sorrow has been turned to joy. I'm sure there are days ahead of me that I will shed a tear, but it won't be as painful as before. For all of you who are going through the beginning stages of grief, I can honestly say that, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning". (Psalm 30:5)

I can remember feeling so much hurt and pain. I would cry out to God, why! What did I do to deserve this! Why are you punishing me! Even though these questions sound cruel, I had to tell Him exactly how I felt. If I hadn't said it, He already knew my heart. After thinking a little more my questions changed. Why not me? Am I above anyone else that has to go through trials and tribulations? Don't be afraid to talk to God! He'll be the best friend you've ever confided in! Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares! Believe it or not, He understands your pain! He watched His child die on the cross!

I also want to encourage you all to trust in Him! He knows what's best for you and what it's going to take to mold you into the person He wants you to be. He's working it out for you! Know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. (Romans 5:3-5) I could only see what was right there in front of me! I only knew how I felt at that moment, but thank God, He sees way down the road! He could see all the blessings that are yet in store for me! Know that He has a plan for you; "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". (Jeremiah 29:11)

For those of you who are already followers of Christ, continue to trust Him; "He will never leave you nor forsake you". (Deuteronomy 31:6) For those of you who have not yet decided to become a follower of Christ; "taste and see that the Lord is good"! (Psalm 34:8)

Overcoming obstacles.

2005-01-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

The day finally came! My nephew Jagger was born yesterday! Dominique and Jagger's birthdays are two days apart! I've had such a hard time dealing with the pregnancy that I dreaded this day. I'm so glad it turned out to be a joyous occassion.

It's really strange how I found out about it. I had a dream that she, (my SIL), was pregnant, but the kicker was the reaction I had in my dream. I was so angry at her. I remember feeling so much hate and bitterness. In this particular dream, whenever someone would mention her pregnancy I would scarl! I couldn't believe I would dream something like this! I couldn't wait to call her and tell her about my dream, so I did! Yes, you guessed it! She really was pregnant and yes I really did feel that way! I was shocked that I felt that way. "Christian" women don't act this way! :-)

The days and months after hearing the news were difficult. My husband and his brother are very close so naturally my husband was very excited about this baby! My feelings of resentment didn't exactly help the situation. My husband would come home and try and share something about their pregnancy and I would immediately stop him! I couldn't stand to hear it and he couldn't understand why! For those of you who know, trying to rationalize your actions while you are grieving is not very easy to do. At first I really didn't know why this pregnancy made me act the way I did. He was demanding answers and I couldn't tell him why! I would then become angry at him for asking!

Next came the ultimate blow! They asked to borrow the breast pump! "How could they even ask something like that?" I thought. So many memories were attached to that pump and I didn't realize it until I thought about parting with it! I can remember how much I complained about pumping so frequently. I often referred to myself as "Bessie the cow". I can also remember that feeding her my breastmilk was the only sure thing I could do to help my baby. I didn't know anything about the medicine, or treatments she would receive, but I knew MY breastmilk was best! You feel so helpless when your child is so sick and you can't really hold her and comfort her as a mother should. Anything you can do is something big! Consequently, after a spat with my husband and much contemplating, I decided to part with it. Not because I felt I had to, or because my husband wanted me to, but because I knew that it was what God required of me. I don't regret it, and I'm actually glad that I could help.

I realized recently that Satan was trying to destroy me. He couldn't stand the fact that God's Tiny Angels Support Group was started and it was actually helping people. I was turning my sorrow into joy and he didn't like that! He wanted me to resent my husband and my SIL. I was turning so bitter until I recognized the enemy for who he was and what he was trying to do! I prayed that God would change my heart and forgive me for feeling the way I did. I know that He understands me and was waiting for me to ask for help.

I was able to walk into that hospital room free of hatred, anger, bitterness, resentment, and whatever else I felt in the past. I give all praise and thanks to God! I am a witness that He can change your heart. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted and I'm sure my husband was relieved.

I'll never be the same as I was before, but I know I am definitely growing in Christ because of this experience and I am truly a better person.

Dominique Day!

2005-01-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

I finally had a Dominique day! One of the best days of my life! I was so worried that no one would remember and that I'd spend most of the day being sad, but it was just the opposite. The members of God's Tiny Angels Support Group gave me a special presentation in honor of Dominique right in the middle of our church service! What a wonderful feeling to have someone remember her without having to say it. It was said throughout the entire congregation that it was Dominique's birthday! Everyone was told so I didn't have to remind them. That morning I told myself that I wouldn't be mad at anyone and I expected them not to remember. I reassured myself that it was ok. I had a feeling that Satan would try and sabotage the day so I prepared myself.

I planned a birthday party for her that evening, (once again I was on the alert). I created a slideshow of pictures and had, what I thought, the perfect song to accompany it. Everyone loved it! My mother then read some poems, (I wasn't going to even try and read them), and then those who wanted to gave remarks. I was amazed at how many people were touched by Dominique's life story and in awe because they were talking about HER! There were a lot of tears shed, and I believe a lot of other people began to heal as well.

After the remarks, we sang Happy Birthday and released balloons! We watched them for a bit and returned to the party where we ate cake and ice cream. I was on cloud 9 the entire day! People kept asking me questions about her and looking at all the things I had kept from her stay in the NICU. The day that I was able to talk about her without interruptions and to people who really wanted to know her finally came!

To all the mom's who are contemplating what to do for your child on their birthday, I didn't regret this party one bit! Not all of my family and friends were there and although I wondered why, the people that cared enough to come out are the ones that needed to be there anyway! Don't let what other people think keep you from doing what's in your heart!

Learning to ease up!

2005-01-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

I have to learn to ease up. It really bothered me when people would make, what I thought, were insensitive comments. I couldn't understand why they would say some of the things they would, but I realized that I am just so sensitive right now, that even the most innocent comments can seem cruel and harsh. I really do scrutinize every comment everyone makes. People don't stand a chance! I found that the only people that say the "right" things are those who are experiencing a similar type of grief.

I am planning a birthday/memorial celebration for Dominique this weekend. I started not to go throught with it because of the responses I received when I asked people to come. I am thankful that a good friend was looking ahead and encouraged me to go with my heart. I probably would have spent the day feeling sad and angry if I hadn't decided to do it. (Thanks M.W.!)

Anyway, my husband asked a harmless question and I caught myself getting ready to lash out at him and get angry. He made a statement that he would probably have to miss his basketball game after rechecking the time of the party vs. the game. At first I was angry that he would even think of doing something else on Dominique's birthday, but I had to realize, he doesn't feel the same way I do. I'm sure he loves his daughter dearly, but is not as emotionally attached as I am. This gathering is for me and my healing, not his. Dominique knows we love her whether we have the party or not.

Grieving can really take a toll on your marriage. I found myself getting angry at my spouse and resenting him for all kinds of things. I found that I've been angry at a lot of people! Satan has really tried to destroy me and my marriage, but I know that what satan meant for evil, God meant it unto good (Genesis 50:20). I'm taking back my marriage and all the joy satan thought he had.

I know that God has a plan for me and my life. I know that He knows best. Who can argue with that? I can do all things through Christ, who is my strength! (Philippians 4:13)

I realize now that all these people want to help me. They are not intentionally trying to hurt me! I know now that the only person who can give me exactly what I need is God! From now on, my goal is to ease up a bit and seek God when I am in need.

I almost lost it!

2005-01-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

Today I almost lost it. A friend of mine from church had her grandaughter's funeral today. As part of God's Tiny Angels, (the support group I started), I volunteered to assist in making the arrangements. She was a preemie like Dominique and it reminded me of my experience. I was determined not to let anyone else pay as much as I did if I could help it. I called around to find out which funeral home and cemetery offered the best price and service. I even went with the family to the funeral home. I was so pleased that I was able to help in such a big way! It gave purpose to my new ministry.

I agreed to design and print the programs myself, so that they could avoid any excess charges. All this time I was amazed at how it was not affecting me! (So I thought.) I volunteered to sing and because I am the church secretary, I was already going to read any poems along with the obituary. Again, I was thinking, "How great!"

I could barely get through the song, which was "Jesus Loves Me". It was the same song that was sung at my daughter's funeral. By the time I started reading the poems and obituary I couldn't even talk! I'm standing there in front of all her guests crying! I kept telling myself, "Get it together!" My mother and pastor both stood by ready to jump in if I couldn't finish. I assured them that I could and continued. Thank God I could read in between my sobs! I wasn't really embarassed that I started crying, but I wondered if anyone but me noticed that I desperately needed a tissue! (I won't go into detail, but you get the idea.)

I guess I learned that you never really know when grief will strike. My daughter's first anniversary is on Sunday and I'm ok for now. I wonder what's in store for the rest of the week.