Recurring Dream

I always have the same dream that I've had this baby for years just laying somewhere in a crib and then out of nowhere I decide to go and get her out. It gives me the most awful feeling. The baby is obviously my daughter Dominique, but I can't figure out why it seems we all forget about her and then one day decided to get her out of her crib. She never cries or makes noise, she just looks at me. I have this dream quite often.

I always felt like I didn't do enough when she was in the hospital. I could barely get there to see her. My husband was always at work and I usually had my other two children. My family was either at work or I had asked them to babysit so much that I felt guilty for asking. I tried to go in the morning but my son was only in headstart for half a day and by the time that I arrived at the hospital, parked and got up to the NICU, it was almost time to be home to get him off the bus. When I did take them to the NICU, they weren't permitted in because it was flu season and because they were so young. So I would have to leave them in the lobby while I visited her. I couldn't really focus on my visit because I was so worried about my other two in the lobby. Anything could have happened to them. As a result, I usually had to cut my visits short. Sometimes my husband would come with me but I always felt rushed with him. At times I felt relieved that I didn't have to go because it was so stressful.

I couldn't wait for the day that I could just go in and pick her up. I didn't even feel like her mother sometimes! I didn't make any of the decisions, it was like she belonged to the nurses and doctors of the NICU. I just visited some times.

I'm realizing that I am still angry about this. I'm angry at my husband for not being home more and I'm angry at my family for not helping! Everyone kept telling me to make sure you spend time with your other children! What about my daughter! At times, I was even angry at my children for demanding so much even though I knew it wasn't fair to them.

Giving Thanks

It's Thanksgiving and I realized that it is time for me to stop complaining and give thanks. I feel much better than I did yesterday. (I did do a little shopping:-) I was looking back at some old family pictures I had in the basement. Some of them revealed happy memories, but some of them were quite painful but relieving in a way. There were pictures that reminded me of things I used to do and the way I used to think. I am so glad that God has brought me through all of that! I was a poor, lonely, single mom living in a subsidized apartment with little to no income. Thank God, I was able to purchase a home, marry a God-fearing, loving husband who's will is to do God's will and provide for his family. I am truly blessed!

I found some scriptures that have also helped me. They are as follows:

Hebrews 13:5, Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, not will I ever forsake you".

Philippians 4:12, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I Corinthians 7:17, Only as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk, and so I direct in all the churches.

Colossians 3:23, Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men.

Discouraged

I feel so discouraged today. Nothing seems to be going my way! Home, school, and work all seem to be going downhill! We don't have the money to make our bills current or pay the ones that we are incurring right now! Bill collectors call twenty times a day! Yet, in all of this, all I can think about is having a baby. I have received low grades on my last tests in three classes! My work is getting more frustrating and the desire to begin a new and exciting career is constantly pulling at me. I feel so down!

I want to go shop so bad! That is usually what I like to do when I am feeling down! Something about finding a new outfit makes me happy! Of course, we have no money so it would not be smart to do that!

I wish that someone would call me with a job offer, just to let me know that I am being considered! I have sent resumes to a million people applying for jobs I know I can do and still nothing! What is it???? Am I not skilled enough, don't have the right credentials, what!!!

I remind myself of a scripture that says no matter what state or circumstance you are in, be content. So today, that is my goal.

Baby Blues

Here I am again feeling sad because I am not pregnant. I guess it didn't help that I was watching a birthing show on Discovery Health. It's nice to see what I will experience some day. My husband tried to comfort me by saying that he knows we will have one some day and that everything will be alright. As innocent as that may have been, I am so sick of hearing it! I know that he was only trying to comfort me but I'm becoming so angry and bitter again.

I tried to read a prayer taken from the book called Hannah's Hope, but I couldn't. All the remedys require that I take my mind off of it and focus on something else. How do I do that when babies are all around me? Couples are able to conceive at the drop of a dime, and it takes us years!

At the same time, I want what God has for me. I don't want to ruin what he has planned. I remind myself that in Jeremiah 29:11 He says that He has a plan for me. Plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future. I know He does not plan to harm me. I also know that He feels my pain and understands. I remind myself that this is why we have God's Tiny Angels Support Group.

At times, I wonder if it is a part of His plan to have me suffer for the sake of the group? Maybe I wouldn't be as effective if I were to have a child. But then I think, it is not about me. It is all about Him!

Lord, please hear my cry and give me peace!

Angry & Hurt!

It has been a long time since I've felt like journaling. I had a few days where I could have, but I never got around to it, but today, I want to burst! I am so angry! I want so bad to have another child! Each month when my period comes is another battle with depression, rage, and hurt. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Everywhere I turn there is a couple that is expecting or pushing their baby through the park in a stroller! I want to scream.

I even resorted to taking birth control pills for a month because I didn't want to hurt anymore! I felt that if I knew I couldn't get pregnant, I wouldn't be so upset when my cycle came. I didn't feel as bad, but it still hurt. I was supposed to continue with the second pack and I started forgetting to take them. I wasn't really thinking about getting pregnant at the time, and I was focused on getting through school. Of course, I realized how many pills I had missed right around the time I was ovulating and realized that my husband and I had intercourse on the day in which we could conceive. I couldn't help but get excited and think that this was it!

I started feeling really tired yesterday(almost 2 weeks after ovulation), and even took a nap, which I never feel the need for! Three people made mention of me looking "full", or bloated and I knew for sure that we were pregnant! I woke up this morning feeling tired again and even though my cycle wasn't supposed to start (I thought), until Thursday, I was dying to take a pregnancy test! So after my first class, I ran to the store and took a test. I'm sure you already know it was negative or else I wouldn't be so sad and angry!

During my next class I started thinking about it and by the end of the class I was trying hard not to lose it. After leaving class, I had to use the bathroom. I guess I was in denial because I thought mabye I had performed the test too soon and that I should repeat the test in a few days! Frequent urination is a symptom of pregnancy, right! I had just gone about 2 hours ago, when I normally only have to go once while I'm at school. To my surprise, not only was I wrong, but I had started my period.

I feel like screaming and tearing my house apart! I don't even feel like going to school, or talking to anyone! I would prefer to just crawl in a hole for the next week! WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME????????????????????

Holding it in!

It has been a while since I felt the need to journal. I had been feeling really good since Dominique's birthday party. Although I had a few short moments, I was generally ok. For the last couple of days I have just been down. We were in church and a close friend of mine was telling me about a bad accident her daughter was in over the weekend. She went on to say how true it is that our children are given to us only for a season, and that she realized how important it was to cherish every moment. Of course I started crying. I couldn't help but think of Dominique and how I wished she was still here.

I was shopping with my mom yesterday and we turned to go down the street on which my daughter was buried. I had to fight back the tears, trying not to spoil anyone else's day. Fortunately, I was able to keep it together by quickly focusing on something else.

Later that evening my children had to sing at another church in the area. When we got there, we quickly spotted some members of our church and went to sit by them. Little did I know that there was a precious little girl sitting in front of us. She looked to be a few months under the age that Dominique would be now (almost 14 mths). Again, I had to hold back the tears trying not to ruin the evening.

I spent the entire day holding my emotions in and trying to keep it together. I know that I'm bound to explode soon! I think of all the advice I give to other grieving families and how to cry and let it out. I realize that it is easier said than done. I would rather hold it in than hear some of the comments that people will make. I don't want to explain what's wrong to a million people and I don't want to create a scene. Maybe I'll find some quiet time today to talk to Dominique and tell her how I feel.

No more!

No more children dying! I don't think I can take it! No one should have to bury a child. My heart aches for my child and all the other parents who are without theirs! I was feeling so happy for so long, I didn't think I would ever feel sad. I was playing "super woman" for a while. It was like I was numb and could look at and talk about anyone else's death without feeling anything.

This morning I woke up to finish my assignment for class, (studying for an associates degree), and I always take a look at the website to see if there are any new visitors. I just happened to make some changes to my webrings and I started surfing other people's sites. I couldn't even look at the pictures! My stomach began to hurt and suddenly, I couldn't stop the tears! All these people must be hurting so bad! One of the sites was dedicated to a 20 year old man and his wife who had just recently married. I can't imagine how this mother felt! I used to be so intrigued by each individual story and today, I can't even look at the pictures.

Today, I am hurting. Today, I am just plain sad.